That well known fairytale of the global singing superstar and the Big Four risk consultant

Here at Source Towers, we were thrilled to learn that the occasionally humdrum world of consulting received an injection of celebrity stardust this week, with the announcement that Ed Sheeran is set to wed his long-time girlfriend, Cherry Seaborn. As the rumour network would have it, Cherry moves in entirely different professional circles to Ed; she’s currently to be found working as a risk consultant at Deloitte. The mind boggles as to their evening conversation topics, although the inspiration for Ed’s hit “Don’t” suddenly becomes clear: It’s the mantra risk consultants around the world wish their clients would follow.

We assume there have been times when Cherry’s commitment to her career choice has been tested. It must be a very particular dagger to the heart when your beloved rings you from his sell out arena tour, while you are sitting in a windowless New Street Square office battling with conditional formatting. But suddenly—with a wedding to plan—Cherry’s risk career is looking like the canny choice for that most critical of tasks: The wedding risk log.

As I embark on my fifth stint of bridesmaiding (I’m sure you get less for armed robbery), I am convinced a wedding risk log is the key to a successful day. While Ed Thinks Out Loud about the One song that will make his wedding Perfect*, Cherry can get down to the nitty gritty, armed with a tried and tested risk framework. Presumably she’d start where everyone does: The guest list. It’s not every bride that can legitimately invite Beyoncé to her wedding. But where to put her? Clearly she needs to be far away from the “ladz table”; it’s alright for Ed’s mates from home to be downing cans of cider on their Castle on the Hill,** but that laddish behaviour won’t do if it puts Queen Bey off recording another number 1 single with Ed. That’s it then—Beyoncé and Jay-Z will have to sit next to Grandma.

Next, the stag and hen parties. The risk landscape here is particularly complex, and we imagine even Cherry is struggling to weigh up the pros and cons. Ever since she strolled into Monday’s team meeting with a rock the size of Gibraltar, Cherry’s Lead Partner—Clive—has been dropping less than subtle hints about his own invite to the celebrity nuptials. Cherry is torn. She’s resigned herself to Clive’s attendance at the wedding, but she knows that an invite to the stag do would be the most exciting thing to happen to Clive since he sold that multi-territory managed services project in 2015. There’s no doubt it would help her manager case, but how would Clive integrate with Ed’s celebrity pals? Stormzy has already confirmed his attendance, but Cherry is fairly sure the only “Grime” Clive is familiar with is the taps on his kitchen sink when the cleaner calls in sick. And how interested would Eminem really be in the latest automation trends?

We wish Cherry all the best with her wedding planning and every happiness in her marriage with Ed. Meanwhile, we are trying to beat the bookies by placing our bets on the next red-hot “celebrity and consultant” pairing. Answers on a postcard, please.

*don’t worry, that’s the end of painful attempts to shoe-horn Ed hits into this blog.

**OK, I lied.